The Nelson Gang

Nelson was a doorway to a new future, a different me, if I am brave enough to step through.

When I was a child, I was creative. I spent a lot of time on my own and I made up rich narratives and whimsical songs. I wasn’t afraid to spend time inside my head and then pluck those things from my creative dreamscape and bring them to live inside the world. But somewhere along the way, I lost it. I started to focus more seriously on school and then the trauma of my brother’s death hit me like a freight train. I had no room for creativity inside survival. For the past several years, I’ve felt a helpless frustration, unable to express myself in any creative medium. It has felt like beating against doors in my brain, let me in! I know there’s treasures in here and I want them! and more bitterly, why did this used to come so easily to me and now it won’t at all? I sit down to write a song or a story and the words that usually flow so freely through my brain stop like the tap has been turned off. Language fails me and I cannot produce the words necessary to express myself. 

Well, that is, until Nelson. 

After an already full night out that included a hike to see glowworms in the pouring rain, I went home with a group I had just met—Canadian Reece who was dating Chinese Ming and their friend, Russian Alex. We sat in Reece and Ming’s living room and joked that we were the United Nations and that we could bring about world peace. Alex and I talked about how difficult it was to grow up gay in Soviet Russia and about his kids still on the other side of the world. “They are learning English,” he tells me proudly, “and my elder son has a beautiful accent, not like mine.” 

They are a good group with nice vibes but I still feel like I am among strangers until somehow, Reece mentions Lin Manuel Miranda. Click. Ming says later that she saw it happen, could tell the exact moment when I started to feel like I was among family. Reece and I jabber excitedly about Lin Manuel Miranda’s various creative pursuits, Hamilton, ahhhh. Immigrants, we get the job done! Did you see In the Heights? Of course, I loved it! We talk about Andrew Lloyd Webber and Reece says he actually went to see the recent movie version of Cats even though he hates the play because it had Taylor Swift in it. Oh my god, you’re a Swiftie too?! 

Ice thoroughly shattered, I am now at home with this group. I cuddle Alex and play with his hair and reassure him about his upcoming move to Whangarei. I tell him not to be scared, that he has all the tools he needs to create a good life there and be happy. One night won’t fix deep seated anxiety and he is still scared but hopefully less so. 

I have my long hair in two Dutch braids and Ming says that they are beautiful and she wishes she could braid hair. I sit her on the floor and give her two braids just like mine. I try to teach Reece but he can’t keep track of all the pieces and gives up quickly. As I’m brushing and braiding Ming’s hair, I tell her about how I learned to do this—by watching YouTube videos and practicing on my sisters. A product of the one child policy in China, Ming doesn’t have any siblings although she would love to have a sister. I tell her she is welcome amongst me and my sisters; now she has four. 

Different braids on Ming

The real magic comes when Reece mentions that he went to music college. It’s clear that he loves music; he has a keyboard, drum set and guitar in the room. For the first time in my life, I confidently claim that I am a singer and ask if he wants to play while I sing. He pulls out his guitar and sits on the sofa, and I settle into the office chair opposite. We dig into our souls for this jam session, let all guards down and let the music carry us away. It was magical, transformative, beautiful. Just like that, the doorway to my creativity opened and I was floating away in it. I rode that rush for days, singing on empty beaches all the way up the Abel Tasman. 

Exhilarated from the jam session, Reece and I decide to go on a jog around the neighborhood. It's 7 AM and we were tickled by the idea that to anyone looking, it seems that we are ~health nuts~ when in reality, we are just too excited to let the night end yet. We make it around the neighborhood and back into the house where Reece and Ming’s Indian flatmate Harinder is making breakfast. Fully aware of the strangeness of this situation from Harinder’s point of view (his flatmate whom he knows is in a committed relationship coming in from a run with a strange white girl), I say Namaste, Harinder. Meera naam Amy hai. Apke say hoo? and collapse into giggles. Harinder does a double take. 

“How do you know Hindi?” he demands. This is the reaction I get from every Indian and it makes me want more of their language, and I hoard each new phrase I’m given. Harinder is trying to cook scrambled eggs but doesn’t know how. He’s added the eggs to the pan without scrambling them and they’ve cooked to the bottom of the pan. I take a fork and show him how to scramble and tell him how to do it better next time: scramble the eggs in a bowl with milk and grease the pan. Later in the day, after I’ve had a nap, we make Indian food together. He shows me how to make roti and I realize what went wrong the time I tried to make it: I used gram flour instead of a high grade wheat flour so there wasn’t enough gluten to make the dough stick together properly. Harinder and I talk about his family: an older sister he loves and strict Punjabi parents that he feels he can’t talk to about his life or problems. He has tattoos and a pierced ear and they hate this. He wishes it were different, that he could be more thoroughly himself and more honest with them but they support him financially and he is scared of confrontation or straying too far outside their prescribed path.  

I visit the Nelson Gang again on my way back down from the Farewell Spit and this time we sit at the dining room table and play Cards Against Humanity. Ming has never played but she’s always wanted to so she prints off the cards at the hospital where she works and we cut them out. This time, Alex is not there and Harinder only stays briefly before going to work. Reece and Ming’s other flatmate Hamish joins and then later in the evening, so does Ming’s friend Fiona. We spend the day and evening in jokes and laughter and inappropriate humor, basking in the loose camaraderie. 

In Nelson, two doors were opened: one between me and myself and one between myself and the world. I tumbled through them breathlessly, excited by the possibility offered. I’ve repeated it time and again: we humans are social creatures, we exist in connection to others. But here in Nelson, I’ve actually opened myself to others. In the past, I’ve felt unsure of the questions to ask or the things to say to get to know the people around me. I've been afraid of asking the wrong questions or saying the wrong thing. I’ve hung back, wanting to be perceived a certain way or paralyzed by anxiety of coming off badly or being misunderstood. Social anxiety is something I’ve been working on for years and now I feel like I’ve finally cracked it. Like I am able to simply be myself, flaws and all, here in this beautiful and strange world filled with other people simply being themselves, flaws and all. 

To the Nelson Gang: I love you and I'll see you on the way back up!